... I'm always going to want to make it move
Searching for words to describe where I'm at, the last place I was looking for inspiration was in lyrics from a guilty pleasure on my iTunes - Miley Cyrus. I'm not embarrased. God works in mysterious ways...
So these two lines sum a lot of the frustration I feel. Having returned from the 'high point' of my post university gap year, I am reflecting on the time since graduating and looking forward. I feel like I have been reluctantly climbing the mountsin of the reality of starting life as a single 22 year old graduate, wishing it was the climb of my life but realizing it's nothing like the guide books say.
I hate uncertainty, and I don't use hate lightly. It's difficult to swallow when you're a planner. Even harder when you're scared every move could be the one that ruins it all... The job which was been the focal point of the next part of my life now deferred leaves me longer in this void, the void that feels like climbing everest to me. I'm always going to want to make it move.
The reality is I just had the best two months of my life learning many things; a climb that was arduous at times but made me feel more aligned to my purpose than ever before. One of the many things I came to realize is that I'm doing well in life. Ever fearful of failing at my own life game, it was like I inhaled fresh air; the realisation that I'm on my way. I haven't stopped, or worse, gone backward. I'm taking baby steps on the mountain of the rest of my life, completely unsure what's next but choosing to move in what feels like the right direction.
Seeing many difficult and eye opening things in Zambia shifted perspectives that i know but will only be seen with time, but I know this - God may be shaking things up, changing my plans, stripping baggage, opening my eyes - but I know I must keep climbing. I don't know how I'm going to spend the next 6 months on this path, before I start this job. I know I'm going to remain dealing with many of the insecurities of moving forward. I'll dissapoint some, I'll climb some difficult rock faces, preferring for them to move. I also know that I'm doing fine. God's proud of me in every step.
So it's uncertainty like I've never known before that makes me want the miraculous, the mountains to become lesuirely mounds. And it's uncertainty that keeps me learning with every step. Growing into more of the dependent person I need to be. Feeling like I've never understood the future less, matched with a overwelming feeling that I'm ok. I'll keep climbing because I'm always going to want the miralulous at the cost of trust and maturity.
After reading a brilliant book aimed at those in the second half of the game of life, I want to avoid the mistake of making my time of life about the result on the other side of the mountain, when it's all about the climb. So I'm going to keep striding upwards.
Thanks Jesus and Hannah Montana
